Divorce Agreement

Dear American liberals, leftists, progressives, socialists, Marxists, LGBQTAI+, et al:

 

In the year of our Lord 2025, America is a country at war with itself. It is no longer Democrats vs Republicans, Blue States vs Red States, Liberals vs Conservatives... it is now Good vs Evil. Will America give her soul to the God of the Christian Bible, or will she sell her soul to the god of chaos and disorder? Read the fate of nations that ignore the warnings in Deuteronomy 28. 

 

It seems Liberals have no problem burning down whole neighborhoods, vandalizing property, assassinating political opponents, changing the names of national parks, military bases, football and baseball teams, committing fraud and waste, vilifying the Founders of America, and re-writing American history. 

 

America as radicals on the Right as well. If they commit a crime, they will be brought to justice.

 

A Republic form of government is guaranteed by Article 4, Section 4 of the constitution for the united States of America, and the promise to the Free Inhabitants of the Land from Article IV of the Articles of Confederation, in exchange for the mob rule of democracy. If you think democracy is something fine and good, you have been brainwashed, programmed, and indoctrinated with ANTI-AMERICAN propaganda. If you think it’s good that American lives and property are being used to make the world safe for democracy, your ancestors are spinning in their graves in outrage. Patrick Henry would spit on you. George Washington would turn his head from you. Ben Franklin would kick you in the arse.

 

A Democracy is two Wolves and a Sheep voting on what to have for dinner. A Republic is a well-armed Sheep defending his Rights.

Democracy destroys itself because it abuses its right to freedom and equality because it teaches its citizens to consider audacity as a right, lawlessness as a freedom, abrasive speech as equality, and anarchy as progress. ~ Socrates (436-338BC)

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but your constant complaining and political assassinations has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. 

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. We are not angry and don't hate you, but we are gravely disappointed that America does not meet your hopes or expectations. We love you enough to let you go where you will be happy.

 

Here is our separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking the portions according to voting patterns. It should not be difficult we'll take the red States and you can have the blue States. Citizens who don't like red States or blue States will have 90 days to move somewhere they'll be happy. Banks will buy your home and/or business at fair market price and pay the closing cost. 

 

After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We will keep Washington, DC as our Capitol, You can make San Francisco your Capitol. We will keep our flag, you can fly the Pride flag.

—We don't like income tax and property taxes, so you can keep them.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges, the ACLU, and ADL, et.al.

--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

--We'll eat a diet of meat and vegetables. You can keep your vegan diet, artificial foods, worms and bugs.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.

--You can keep Bill Gates, George Soros, Oprah, Whoopi, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (if she ever returns from Ireland). You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all seven of them.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, natural wellness companies, Dollar General, Costco, and Wall Street.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, LGBTQTAI+, druggies, open borders, Target and Walmart. 

--You can keep all the illegal aliens. We will hire legal immigrants and US citizens.

--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, truck drivers, and rednecks.

--We'll keep Bill O’Reilly and Bibles and give you CNN, MSNBC, and Hollywood.

--You can make nice with Iran and North Korea and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

--You can have ANTIFA, Black Lives Matter, the Clintons, the Bushes, the Obamas. and the Bidens, career politicians, and all the liberal Democrats and RINOS in Congress and the Senate. We will enact term limits and vote for the best qualified person.

--When our allies, or our way of life, are under assault we'll help provide them security. You can call on the UN Peacekeepers for help, but we will no longer be paying the bill.

--We'll keep Jesus. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, wokeness, and Shirley McLaine. 

--We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every electric vehicle, moped, and bicycle you can find.

--You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll keep our freedom of choice. You take mandates and forced medical treatment.

--We'll keep "The National Anthem," "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," "​A​merica The Beautiful," and "God Bless America."

--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine," "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," "Kum Baya," or "We Are the World."

--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle-up poverty your best shot.

--Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag. You can keep cancel culture.

--Now that Roe v. Wade has been returned to the States to decide if their tax payers are willing to pay for your abortion you can move to the abortion State of your choice.

Would you agree to this? If so, we can petition Congress to draw up the separation agreement. We will retain exclusive rights to the names United States of America and America. You can choose to name your country anything you like as long as you don't use the word "America." The Peoples Republic of Liberals (PRL) has a nice ring to it. In your own country you can be woke and trans all you want. It's a Win/Win... you will be happy and so will America.

 

Please pass it along to other like-minded liberals. In the spirit of friendly parting our divorce will make us both happy. You will be issued a Blue State ID. You cannot vote in a Red State or visit a Red State longer than 30 days a year. If you do not agree, you can always move to another country.

 

Sincerely,

Conservative Americans of all races, the ones who believe in Right and Wrong - not legal or illegal. 

 

P.S. Also, please take George Clooney, Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Short, Charlie Sheen, Ben Stiller, Barbra Streisand, and Hanoi Jane Fonda with you.

 

P.P.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.